You can now view Calendars of Events for today and upcoming weeks? A complete and up-to-date list of local events is now available on every section of PressRepublican.com.
When I was a new worker to families, bizarre abuse allegations were made against a young mother of two.
I had known the young mother when she was a single, childless teen. I didn't really have an opinion on whether she'd abuse her children, but the allegations were so strange that most of us immediately dismissed them. We said, very knowingly to each other, "No one would do that to a child. That's just ridiculous."
Shortly after our very knowing analysis, this young mother lost her children. She never regained custody.
While I am still unsure as to the truth of what she did, clearly, she did something. I would love to tell you that was a turning point in my career, a defining moment that changed the way I approached children and families, but it took many more years of arrogance and mistakes for me to open my heart and mind to what is.
DENIAL SONGS
I think when most of us are faced with cruelty against children, we begin arguing the cruelty away. We play mind games designed to make logic out of abominations, patterns out of sickness, so that we might be able to predict and control. Well, I'm here to tell you when it comes to abuse, the sky is the limit. There is no sense to be made — anything is possible. I would like to share with you some of the songs we sing to ourselves to drown out what might be happening to a child, to a family.
"No one would do that." This one goes like this: "If I can't imagine it, if I can't understand it, then it can't be true." If we must accept the unacceptable, that someone would hurt a child, why do we feel there must be some limit, some rules to the abuse? Of course, you can't imagine it; you're not a pedophile or a serial killer/torturer.
"I know him/her. They'd never do something like that." It amazes me that after all the education and news stories we've seen, we still don't get that abusers come in every shape, size and color. They can be clean, dirty, intelligent, kind, ugly, dumb, articulate, blue collar and white collar, charming and repulsive. They look just like us. They may even function a lot like us, except in these sick, twisted parts of their lives. I don't believe that knowing someone and liking someone exonerates him or her. Most people know someone who likes them, so I guess that would mean no one ever abuses? How I wish that were so.
UNHEALTHY LOVE
"But they love their child." Yes, it took me a long time to understand this. From my experience, love and abuse can commingle in the same space. I'm not saying it is healthy love. And I'm not saying that it is a love that should be fostered as is. But I believe the two can co-exist. Until I spent time with perpetrators, heard and watched them talk about their children, I thought they must not share the deep, undying love for their children that I feel for mine. But I have seen that love in their knowledge of their child, in their longing for their child, in their futile efforts to protect their child — from themselves. And I believe that many child victims truly love their abuser, and often try to protect their abuser from the truth of what they are doing; that very love becomes part of the trap.
And finally, "Well, why didn't they ever tell?" I'll tell you why. In so many instances, they didn't tell because we weren't ready to hear. You know how kids are; they can read us like a book. They know when we ask, "Are you OK?" whether we're prepared for their answer, whether we have time for their answer, whether we can help with their answer. Trust me, I have been the person who didn't hear what a child needed to say, who shut them down because of my own fear, my own constraints. The problem lies not with the teller, but with the listener.
Yes, we protect ourselves. We cover our ears with whatever pat mantra makes the truth bearable. And, while we can be forgiven for being human, for needing protection, until we open our eyes, our ears, our hearts, we will be the only ones who are protected. Somewhere out there, children are waiting, waiting for us to truly step up to the plate and face what they face each and every day.
Mary White is from the Malone area. She and her husband have five children, eight cats, two dogs and three guinea pigs. She has had the privilege of working with children and families (her own and other people's) for more than 20 years.
