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There was a child crying one day.
Actually, it wasn't really crying; it was more like wailing. My friends and I were standing nearby, trying to decide how to help. Out of the little guy's earshot, one friend quietly said, "I know what my mother would've said. She would've said, 'Oh quit your crying, you big calf.'"
Laugh? Boy, did we ever. And we wished fervently that she were there so she could take care of things.
The incident got me to thinking about how I've changed as a mother over the years. If that had happened 15 years ago, I would have been horrified. I would've wondered how anyone could be so cold, so unfeeling, so non-supportive. Now, I just wondered how soon I could use that phrase.
Now, I'd like to share with you some comparisons between new, righteous mom and old, tired mom — see where you fall.
THEN: I treasured those moments (mostly) when my babies woke in the night. I looked at it as one more opportunity to spend some quality, one-on-one time together.
NOW: The only time my children are brave enough to wake me is when they are sick. So sometimes if I know they are ill, I have to preface their bedtime with these heartfelt words: "Please come get me if you need me tonight, and I promise I will try not to be mean to you."
THEN: I would become infuriated at my husband when he'd demand, "Why is their 'stuff' (edited for family page) everywhere?" I'd snap back, "They live here, too," and remind him that his table saw and golf-greens lawn mower were a little less appropriate to have in the living room than the kids' toys and coloring books.
NOW: I walk around the house picking up 'stuff' (again, edited for family page), muttering under my breath (or yelling), "Where does all this stuff come from? Do you people gather it at landfills and dump it here in MY house?"
THEN: When faced with conflict or decisions, I patiently (mostly) gathered input, carefully explained the outcome and reasons why, helped process feelings and comforted disappointed souls.
NOW: I find myself making grand announcements like: "Listen up, everyone. From now on, I don't want to hear what anyone thinks about anything. I want everyone to accept my final answer as final; I am no longer explaining anything. In addition, there will be no more expressions of negative feelings in this house. The only words that I want to hear are 'Yes, mother, you are always right', and 'Thank you.'"
THEN: I carefully combed through each bookbag, read each notice, admired each piece of artwork, noted every spelling test.
NOW: I ask things like, "Do you have a bookbag?" and "You are still in school, right?"
THEN: If a child and I were in conflict, I would carefully prepare what I wanted to say to him or her, designing my words so they deftly explained my concerns with little damage to his or her psyche.
NOW: We have conflict every day, and I've actually come to enjoy it. There is no preparation. There are no thoughtful, psychologically friendly statements. I find that leaning into the anger is far more satisfying.
Yes, I have changed over the years. I have become impatient, short-tempered and selfish. But just so my kids know, they are the joys of my life, they are my masterpieces, and I wouldn't trade one minute of one day with them for anything.
And now, only I get to bawl like a big calf. Ha!
Mary White is from the Malone area. She and her husband have five children, eight cats, two dogs and three guinea pigs. She has had the privilege of working with children and families (her own and other people's) for more than 20 years.
