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February 6, 2010

When a video game calls you morbidly obese ...

By STEVE OUELLETTE, You Had to Ask

The Wii Fit is my enemy.

As many of you probably know, Wii Fit is a program for the wildly popular Nintendo Wii video game system — a program designed to help the user exercise and be healthy in a fun and friendly way. A computer game that's good for you.

Just not so good for your self-esteem.

The first time I stepped on the balance board that controls most of the Wii Fit's functions, the game taunted me by turning my Mii — my personal avatar in the game — into a rollie-pollie tub of goo. I was not amused, but I remained strong.

The next time, it cheerily informed me that I was morbidly obese, and scolded me for too many donuts. I pretended not to be hurt "¦ but I stayed off the Wii Fit for quite some time.

At Christmas, however, we got another addition to the Wii Fit. I finally decided to try it out, since my weight-appropriate wife and kids seem to like it so much. I stepped onto the board, and it immediately responded in its pleasant voice:

"Steve "¦ I haven't seen you in quite awhile. Are you perhaps holding a large bear or an ACME-brand anvil?"

I stepped off immediately, but the device continued, telling me that, while it really values me as a person, I should lose 50 pounds or it would make fat jokes behind my ample backside.

Listen, I know that I've been eating too many deep-fried Twinkies for a while now, and I know that I've been exercising too little. I know that I gorged myself over the holiday season (Memorial Day through Presidents Day) and tacked on a few extra pounds. But this was a brutal kick in the seat of my giant clown pants.

Is this really the way we want our games to treat us? I think not.

I tried to reason with the game. If I lost 50 pounds, I'd be down to my scrawny high-school freshman weight and would most likely float away in a strong North Country breeze. It would hear none of it.

Briefly I wondered if I should just go ahead and lose the weight to shut it up — but how? Eating right and exercising seems like it would take forever. Certainly I couldn't do it by using the Wii Fit; sure, the hula hoop is cool and I've mastered ski jumping, but the aerobics activities don't look like much fun at all.

Could I lose weight with a more entertaining game? How many calories does Wii bowling consume? Lego Indiana Jones?

No. Losing the weight would be the easy way, and it would mean the game beat me. I'm going to win this — and improve my self-image — the hard way. By cheating.

When the game asked me how heavy my clothes were (naked, light clothes, heavy clothes), I clicked "other" and typed in "chain mail armor." That didn't work.

I tried to go in and change my height, reasoning that if I was 6-foot-9, my weight would be ideal. My children have to do this periodically, why not me?

"Steve, at your age, a gain in height is highly unlikely. If you are not yanking our chain, please contact a health-care professional. It is much more likely that you are shrinking. As a punishment, we will now subtract two inches from your height. You are now even more grotesquely obese."

I tried stepping on the board with just one foot, and only a small share of my weight. The game asked if I'd had an industrial accident or lost a duel with the black knight, "presumably when you were wearing that chain mail armor?"

I hate my enemy, but I don't know that I can defeat him. Unless "¦

Where can I trade my Wii in for a Playstation 3?

E-mail Steve Ouellette at: ouellette1918@gmail.com

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