Another year is upon us. Another chance to make a life-changing resolution "¦ which most Americans won't stick with past the middle of January.
Following your New Year's resolutions, however, doesn't have to be a struggle. I've known people who made a dozen or more resolutions and kept every one of them. It's not that they had iron wills and uncommon determination; it's that they had realistic expectations.
If you resolve to lose 200 pounds or make a million dollars playing online poker or give birth to Ben Bernanke's love child, you're likely to be disappointed. If you resolve to read "Family Circus" every morning, there's an excellent chance you'll be successful.
Here are my personal resolutions for 2010. Feel free to hold me to each and every promise.
â I resolve that I will do nothing to diminish the world's ever-shrinking stockpile of cauliflower.
â I resolve not to buy $2,000 tickets to a Red Sox-Yankees game in the Bronx and then chant "No-Mar's Better!" at Derek Jeter. Won't promise not to buy $50 seats and chant "A-Roid!" at Alex Rodriguez.
â I resolve not to try on my wife's clothes, while anyone is watching.
â I resolve to stop calling Joe Lieberman's Senate office, pretending to be a Connecticut constituent, and screaming obscenities at the top of my lungs. I will instead send obscenity-laced letters and e-mails.
â I resolve to again use the word "penultimate" in at least one column this year. Oh. There it is. Sweet. Would also like to find a way to squeeze in "onomatopoeia."
â I resolve not to leer at nude photos of Susan Boyle on the Internet.
â I resolve not to overload my iPod by downloading more David Hasselhoff songs.
â I resolve not to hurt myself during Zumba class.
â I resolve not to dress my pets in embarrassing outfits.
â I resolve not to dress my children in outfits any more embarrassing than those I wear myself.
â I resolve to be a better father than that reality show guy with the weather balloon.
â I resolve not to join a Jackson Five cover band. Though I've been told I sound like Tito.
â I resolve not to watch a single Rob Schneider movie in 2010. Or a movie with any kind of traveling pants.
â I resolve not to pack my children's lunches with Red Bull and raw meat. I cannot promise that I won't include the occasional Ring Ding, however.
â I resolve not to jump out of a plane or jump off a bridge tied to a bungee cord.
â I resolve not to learn how to speak Farsi, Navajo or Mandarin Chinese.
â I resolve not to take performance-enhancing drugs. Wait, is Ovaltine performance-enhancing?
â I resolve to keep my eyes open for Nicole Brown Simpson's real killer.
â I resolve not to have a physical, emotional or spiritual relationship with a vampire or a werewolf. Nothing more than platonic.
â I resolve not to have an elicit affair with Tiger Woods, or any employee of Perkins Restaurant.
â I resolve not to forget my own birthday.
â I resolve "¦ to stop right here, so you can read more interesting parts of the newspaper.
E-mail Steve Ouellette at: ouellette1918@gmail.com
