By STEVE OUELLETTE, You had to Ask
This week featured the science fair at my son's school.
Every year, intrepid grade-schoolers carve out a few weeks of time to tinker around with vaguely scientific ideas — or have their dads make something from a kit — and put them on display for everyone to see.
As always, some of the projects this year were interesting, and some were familiar.
My own son and his partner created a solar oven that can cook delicious s'mores, given enough sunlight. Perfect if you don't trust your child with a sharpened stick, marshmallows and real flames.
One boy created a home-made trebuchet that could — in theory — launch flaming bowling balls at any invading Canadian force crossing our borders.
One child tricked my youngest son into eating a dog biscuit. He didn't turn into a English sheepdog, so I guess that experiment failed. Ha!
Easily the best project was the primitive but amazing Star Trek food replicator device. It looked just like a cardboard box colored with crayons, but whatever food you ordered would magically appear inside in 12 minutes. Unfortunately, we discovered that there was an overzealous mother hiding behind the curtain, dashing back and forth to the grocery store, and the child was disqualified from the grand prize — a nice pat on the head and possible mention in the school newsletter.
Fourteen different kids created volcanoes of some type or form, but not one created real molten lava. Though one did erupt in warm chocolate and whipped cream.
A few kids clearly didn't try very hard. One exhibit was simply a DVD of "October Sky" (which I highly recommend) sitting on a table. Another demonstrated the magical powers of the hula hoop. Still another was an empty bowl that the child exalted was "full of life-giving air!"
Overall, the evening was fun and informative, and provided some precious photo ops, but now I think that it's time for us to demand more. Much more.
We've been letting these kids off easy. Letting them coast on their youth. Well, the children are supposed to be our future ...
Chronologically, our country is moving forward in time. Studies, however, show that adults in the United States are less and less inclined to believe, you know, sciencey things. Evolution, global warming, photosynthesis and digital photography are all merely theories. A full 27 percent of Americans believe that gravity is "a myth and/or a vast left-wing conspiracy."
That means that for us to progress into the 22nd century, to find scientific solutions to the problems of today, we have to depend on the children. Their imaginations are greater than ours; they know no limits. We have to get them working on something useful before they're rendered inert by sex, alcohol and polyunsaturated fat.
Fourth grade isn't too late for that yet, is it?
I propose getting these young minds to start working right now, giving them a full year before the next science fair. We'll double their allowances so they can afford supplies, and we'll offer real incentives for next year's prize winners: A week at space camp. A neutron microscope. A multi-million-dollar grant from the CIA. A pet Bigfoot.
We'll want meaningful results, however. Not a model volcano, but a real volcano that can provide enough heat for all of Clinton County. Quick-growing pizza trees and ice-cream shrubs. Hybrid vehicles that can move at the speed of light. A way to turn deadly nuclear waste into healthy school lunches. Clouds that rain money. Glue that will actually keep your car registration-sticker stuck on the windshield.
The future is around here somewhere, but these kids have to help us get there.
E-mail Steve Ouellette at: ouellette1918@gmail.com
