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October 17, 2009

Label him frustrated

By STEVE OUELLETTE, You Had to Ask

I guess I should first say thank you.

Thank you to the charity that protects the environment, to the charity that cares for mistreated animals, to the charity that feeds underprivileged children, to the charity that cures horrible diseases. Thank you to the fund to save the whales and to the church that I don't belong to but I'm sure does good work.

Thanks for those nice address labels.

At first when you sent your pretty labels, I was surprised. Address labels had been something that I once paid for — when I thought about them at all — but these came unordered, at no cost. Ah, but that was the rub.

Taking the labels for free — from a charitable organization that obviously needed more funding — elicited a guilt response. So I'd write out a check, stick it in the enclosed envelope with a stamp and one of my stylish new labels attached, and send it off to save the world.

The guilt, however, was soon replaced with remorse. I was unable or unwilling to support the charity, but I didn't want to bleed their funds. Yet sending the labels back didn't seem to make any sense.

Briefly, there was anger. How many thousands of dollars does this charity waste by sending address labels to strangers? Couldn't that money be used to, you know, help the sick or starving people, to spay and neuter the animals, to appease the angry volcano god?

Finally, however, there was acceptance. I was able to take the labels without feeling the tiniest twang of remorse. I no longer even bothered to read the sob stories enclosed in the mailings; those went in the trash as soon as I lifted out the special gift stickers.

Despite my lack of donations, the labels began to come more and more frequently. All sorts of colors and designs. Some in my name, some in my wife's name, some with both our names — labels for all occasions. Eventually my 9-year-old started an impressive collection of his own, and even the dog has a few, despite the fact that she almost exclusively uses e-mail.

Now, however, we have more return address labels than the number of pieces of mail that I will send for the rest of my life, assuming that I live to be no more than 650 years old.

We have labeled our books and DVDs and luggage. Put the stickers on all of our children's clothing. Actually made a couple of shirts and some uncomfortable underwear entirely out of address labels.

We used them to wallpaper one entire room, 2 inches by half an inch at a time. We used them to insulate the basement. We burned hundreds of the sticky sheets (the ones with the last name misspelled) for warmth — that got us all the way through February last year.

Now, though, as much as I like my address labels, I'd honestly like the charities to send me something else. Doesn't have to be something big and expensive, just something useful that I might not think to buy for myself.

Some nice stationary. Christmas gift tags. Emergency road flares. Toenail clippers. Sporks. Maybe a nice oven mitt — I could really use another oven mitt or two or seven or 400.

I promise: Send me something new and I might think about giving again "¦ for a little while.

E-mail Steve Ouellette at: ouellette1918@gmail.com

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Peter Black: Canadian Dispatch

Lois Clermont, Editor

Cornell Cooperative Extension

Richard Gast: Cornell Ag Extension

Bob Grady

Guest Columns

Peter Hagar: Cornell Ag Connection

Health Advice

Ray Johnson: Climate Science

Gordie Little: Small Talk

Terry Mattingly: On Religion

Steve Ouellette: You Had To Ask

Colin Read: Everybody's Business

Senior Thoughts