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September 5, 2009

Imagine this kind of public-school makeover

By STEVE OUELLETTE, You Had to Ask

Hi kids, welcome back!

By the middle of this week at the latest, all of you should be back in school after a summer of fun and frolicking.

We know that it can be hard to return to the classroom after two or three months of sleeping late without a care in the world.

Please, however, don't panic. Don't pout. Don't cover your head with four pillows and refuse to get up the first day of school. Don't stress. Things have changed since the last time you sat behind a school desk.

Studies have shown us that happy, comfortable students are more productive, more successful and more likely to provide a lucrative endowment to the school after making their fortune in computer technology or jazzercise. Every moment of our summer has been spent planning ways to make the educational experience more pleasurable and convenient.

Remember, someday you'll look back on this time as the best in your life. No, it's not really going to be the best time of your life — well, except for you, Mr. Quarterback and Miss Cheerleader. In the not-so-distant future, he's going to be fat, bald and semi-unemployed, while she's going to birth his (ugly) kids and have a demeaning affair with an unpublished beatnik poet.

For the rest of you, however, you'll remember this time as the best in your life because people tend to block out the bad stuff as the years go by. College will actually be the best time in your life, but if you don't study with us, you won't get to college. Don't worry though; we're going to make this as painless as possible.

Our teachers, for instance, have been instructed to keep the testing to a bare minimum. We don't want test anxiety to overwhelm you. Students in all grades will be given at least four-weeks' notice before all exams. All tests will be multiple choice (hint: if you don't know the answer, just check "C") and if you want to use a No. 3 or No. 4 pencil, go right ahead. We know everyone has bad days, so if you want a mulligan, you can retake a couple of tests each year.

Except for those of you who have jobs, school is your job now.

Thus, as part of the government stimulus package, you will be paid cold, hard cash if your grades are high enough. Please check with the front office for your reward schedule.

We will also be offering cool new class choices in all age groups, such as "Meeting Mr. Right online," "Winning strategies for Madden 10" and "My dad is better than your dad."

It's all about fun in our new public schools. Another example: Each day we'll let a different student pick the "ring tone" for the bell that goes off between classes. Please, limit the explicit music unless we can't quite make out the lyrics; in that case, anything is fine.

We've heard your complaints about the food, and all cafeteria operations have been turned over to Ben & Jerry's. Ice cream is a dairy product, full of calcium. Builds strong teeth and bones.

We've also heard your complaints about bullies. Since studies show that the majority of bullies end up in prison eventually, we're going to herd them all off to prison school instead.

Hey, if you're a bully, pssst. It won't be so bad. You'll be with kids with similar interests, you'll learn new skills, and we'll prepare you for a career in ultimate fighting.

Of course, we're concerned for your health as well. Our biggest fear is an outbreak of swine flu that could ultimately shut down our schools for long stretches. That just won't do. We want school to be someplace where you can camp out for weeks at a time to avoid catching illnesses from your family. Be prepared for a complimentary swine flu shot during the second week of school. Well, not a shot really. It's in candy form, and it tastes just like bacon.

I hope that we've quelled any fears or nervousness that you might have had about returning to school. Really, this is going to be better than vacation.

Oh, by the way, your parents have asked us to let you stay in school throughout July and half of August too! We know you're going to love it.

E-mail Steve Ouellette at: ouellette1918@gmail.com

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Peter Black: Canadian Dispatch

Lois Clermont, Editor

Cornell Cooperative Extension

Richard Gast: Cornell Ag Extension

Bob Grady

Guest Columns

Peter Hagar: Cornell Ag Connection

Health Advice

Ray Johnson: Climate Science

Gordie Little: Small Talk

Terry Mattingly: On Religion

Steve Ouellette: You Had To Ask

Colin Read: Everybody's Business

Senior Thoughts