Today, I saw a single perfect snowflake.
No two snowflakes are alike, I'm told — but I can't say for sure, because I don't have anything to compare this one to. I haven't seen a single other flake in about a month.
Maybe things will change by the time this story goes to press — the meteorologists were predicting a light dusting or an occasional flurry or a "modified sou'wester with accumulations of one to three millimeters" — but as I write this, the ground outside my home is completely bare.
My snow shovel has begun to rust in the corner. Bags of unused Ice Melt are stacked up in the garage. Snow boots have been stuffed in the closet, replaced by Crocs and flip-flops.
Here in our normally iced-over little corner of the winter world, it feels like a crisp October. The ground isn't frozen. I had to mow the lawn Tuesday.
I'm not complaining, mind you. I don't like shoveling the driveway, then re-shoveling it every time the plow goes by. I don't like the treacherous driving. I don't like the discomforting thought that, if we get completely snowed in, my family would quickly choose to sacrifice me for life-giving nourishment.
Our area, however, has a whole snow culture that usually thrives at this time of year. Skiers and snowboarders and snowshoers are ticked off. Winter carnivals have been ruined.
Snowplow drivers, instead of getting overtime, are being forced to take voluntary leave. Children are crying because there's been nary a snow day. Teachers are crying because there's been nary a snow day.
My own children would really like to go sledding, build a snowman, engage in a snowball war.
"Dad," they ask me, with little drops forming in the corners of their eyes, "Why "¦ why won't it snow?"
I didn't really have an answer for my children. They hate it when I simply tell them that they're cursed. They've outgrown the old "God is protecting us with a giant hair dryer" explanation. I could try showing them some colorful, blinking Doppler weather charts displaying colliding warm fronts and cold fronts, but even children know all that stuff is made up to fill four minutes on the evening news.
My only answer is, "I don't know. Maybe it will snow tomorrow."
Everyone is quick to blame this on global warming, but as a majority of Americans (and almost seven people in the rest of the modern world) can tell you, global warming is a giant fraud perpetrated by the evil power brokers at National Public Radio.
Lack of snow isn't a problem in other areas of the country. Much of the United States has been buried in snow. Portions of the South have never seen this much. The nation's capital has been buried underneath 5 feet more snow than Plattsburgh has seen all winter. Heck, just across the lake from us, Burlington got almost 3 feet in one storm — a storm that didn't touch us.
The only other place in the world complaining about too little snow is Vancouver, currently trying to run the Winter Olympics in tropical temperatures.
As I said, I really don't mind the lack of snow — but as a dad, I have no choice. The kids want the stuff, and I gotta do whatever I can for the kids. But how can I bring snow?
I can't seed the clouds. My crazy pants-on-the-ground snow dance had the neighbors calling the police on indecency charges. I can't reasonably expect Frosticlees, Greek God of Snow, to answer my prayers after I'd ignored him all these years.
My only way to get snow is to write about how little there is.
Just say thanks and watch it fall. Any second now. I'll be shoveling for weeks.
E-mail Steve Ouellette at: ouellette1918@gmail.com
Columns
Related Photos
-
Steve Ouellette
Discussion
PLEASE NOTE: There is a 150 word maximum for comments. All comments greater than 150 words in length will be deleted in their entirety.
ALSO NOTE: Derisive name-calling of an individual or group will result in the entire comment being deleted. This includes the terms "stupid" and "idiot" and similar references.
Welcome to our new online comments feature. Before you can join the discussion, you must first register with Disqus and verify your email address.
Once you do, your comments will post after they have been reviewed by a moderator.
We welcome your thoughts and your opinions, including unpopular ones. We ask only that you keep the conversation civil and clean.
Not all comments are deemed printable. Some are disqualified, at the newspaper’s discretion, for a number of reasons. Here are some typical practices to avoid in trying to get your comment printed:
There is a 150 word maximum for comments. All comments greater than 150 words in length will be deleted in their entirety.
Don’t state as a fact something that is unsubstantiated or that our editors wouldn't know to be true.
Don’t presume someone’s guilt in a case when it hasn't been established by a court.
Don’t assail or impugn an identifiable individual or group. If you have that kind of criticism, sign your name and submit it as a Letter to the Editor. (There is some leeway on this in connection with public officials, but it is not unconditional.)
Don’t use profanity. This includes the term “tea bagger.”
Don’t be incendiary or tasteless. Those qualities are subjective, of course, and our editors will be the arbiters.
Do not identify yourself in the main content area of the article content form. Only by enforcing this rule can the moderators prevent unscrupulous commenters from falsely identifying themselves as someone they are not.
Don't type in all caps. It is considered the Internet equivalent of shouting.
In sports articles, do not criticize officiating.
Remember, moderators are not allowed to edit any article comments. If an article comment fails any of the above criteria, the entire comment will be deleted.
We monitor comments Monday - Friday, 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. Saturday and Sunday, 2 p.m. to 8 p.m. Approval of comments outside these times may be delayed.
ALSO NOTE: Derisive name-calling of an individual or group will result in the entire comment being deleted. This includes the terms "stupid" and "idiot" and similar references.
Welcome to our new online comments feature. Before you can join the discussion, you must first register with Disqus and verify your email address.
Once you do, your comments will post after they have been reviewed by a moderator.
We welcome your thoughts and your opinions, including unpopular ones. We ask only that you keep the conversation civil and clean.
Not all comments are deemed printable. Some are disqualified, at the newspaper’s discretion, for a number of reasons. Here are some typical practices to avoid in trying to get your comment printed:
There is a 150 word maximum for comments. All comments greater than 150 words in length will be deleted in their entirety.
Don’t state as a fact something that is unsubstantiated or that our editors wouldn't know to be true.
Don’t presume someone’s guilt in a case when it hasn't been established by a court.
Don’t assail or impugn an identifiable individual or group. If you have that kind of criticism, sign your name and submit it as a Letter to the Editor. (There is some leeway on this in connection with public officials, but it is not unconditional.)
Don’t use profanity. This includes the term “tea bagger.”
Don’t be incendiary or tasteless. Those qualities are subjective, of course, and our editors will be the arbiters.
Do not identify yourself in the main content area of the article content form. Only by enforcing this rule can the moderators prevent unscrupulous commenters from falsely identifying themselves as someone they are not.
Don't type in all caps. It is considered the Internet equivalent of shouting.
In sports articles, do not criticize officiating.
Remember, moderators are not allowed to edit any article comments. If an article comment fails any of the above criteria, the entire comment will be deleted.
We monitor comments Monday - Friday, 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. Saturday and Sunday, 2 p.m. to 8 p.m. Approval of comments outside these times may be delayed.
February 20, 2010
If it snows, blame this guy
- Columns
-
-
Gags for military chaplains, round two
Chaplains work in a church-state minefield that requires them to answer to the government, as well as to God.
-
'Food From the Farm' event taking shape
Even in the dead of winter, plenty of local food can be found and even celebrated with upcoming event, Laurie Davis writes.
-
Internet holds potential dangers for the naive
A person less savvy could easily give up their bank account numbers to a scam artist "¦ and totally miss out on that sweetheart deal from a gentleman in the Congo, Steve Ouellette writes.
-
Technology going to the dogs
Columnist Stewart Denenberg analyzes the impact technology has had in court cases dealing with the Fourth Amendment.
-
Vision2Action deserving of support
Important community projects require great effort and careful planning to better the future for us all, according to columnist Colin Read.
-
China low-skill jobs difficult to compete with
It may be better to focus on middle-skill positions and be sure training is matched to employers' needs, according to columnist Paul Grasso.
-
Madonna returns to roots
"The Super Bowl was the rehearsal for her Quebec show," the mayor of Quebec City joked this week. Regis Labeaume was referring to news that global megastar Madonna was coming to his city to work it out musically on Labor Day on the Plains of Abraham, Canadian columnist Peter Black writes.
-
Yearly trip yields fun family times, enlightenment
Susan Tobias speaks about her experiences on her yearly cross-coutnry trip to visit relatives with her husband, Toby.
-
Tackling the perfect bench press
The bench press is one of the most widely used exercises in the gym, yet many are unaware of the important safety considerations that should accompany it, Ted Santaniello writes.
-
Superstar T.D. Jakes makes a confession
A legendary preacher has taken a big step toward convincing his critics that he is, in fact, an evangelical.
- More Columns Headlines
-
