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December 10, 2008

Internet wisdom

<a href="mailto:llilja17@hotmail.com">By LORRAINE LILJA, Innocent Bystander</a>

OK, pour another cup of coffee and snuggle up in your snicker chair; here is a harvest of bon mots found on the Internet.

"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back." -- Franklin Jones

"One time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it's holding a parking ticket." --Unknown

"If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers." --Doug Larson

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." --A. Whitney Brown

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. --H.L.Menken

"Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog." --Unknown

"He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie." --Neil Simon

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." --Dean Martin

"Don't be so humble -- you are not that great." --Golda Meir

"Teenager with nose ring, baggy clothing and spiked hair to friend: I don't really like dressing like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere they go." --Unknown

"You've reached middle age when all you exercise is caution." --Unknown

"I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like What I'm Going to be If I Grow Up.'" --Lenny Bruce

"Some see the glass as half empty, some see the glass as half full. I see the glass as too big." --George Carlin

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no use in being a damn fool about it." --W.C. Fields

"A bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist." --Unknown

Lorraine Lilja is a retired Press-Republican reporter. A collection of her columns, "Lilja's World," is for sale at local bookstores. Lilja can be reached at llilja17(at)hotmail.com.

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