There's very little that all Americans can agree on, but we all seem to be in accord about one thing: We're worried about our money.

Banks are failing. The stock market is crashing. 401Ks are shrinking. Congress is wrangling over bailout bills that will either 1) stave off financial Armageddon or 2) cause financial Armageddon.

In response to the avalanche of concerned letters, phone calls and e-mails we've received about the economy, the newspaper has brought in noted financial manager J.P. Pennybags to answer your questions and hopefully ease your fears. If your question is not answered below, please don't call again. We're all out looking for second jobs.

Q: I wanted to invest in the stock market, but that doesn't seem like such a good idea right now. What would be a better investment?

A: I would put my money in a good mattress. It will give you years of comfortable sleep, assuming worry about your disappearing nest egg doesn't haunt you every long, dark night. Please don't put your money into a water bed.

Q: I rob banks for a living. Should I be worried about my livelihood? I'd really hate to have to starting knocking over convenience stores. Seems so low class.

A: I agree that convenience stores are not the way to go. How about hair salons? Everyone still needs their hair cut, and security is notoriously low.

Q: If Fannie Mae took on Freddie Mac in a bar fight, who would win?

A: It would depend on the weapons, but in either case I think they eventually make up over a few cocktails, end up going home together and then wake up thinking, "Oh, I've made a terrible mistake."

Q: I'm already two months late on the electric bill, and I find myself looking longingly at my 8-year-old's piggy bank. He's got to have $60 in nickels in there. What should I do?

A: If he's 8, he ought to be pulling his weight, delivering newspapers, selling pencils on street corners, running numbers for the mob. Take the freeloader's change and call it rent.

Q: We've been trying to sell our house for six months and lowered the price three times but still no nibbles. What can we do?

A: We may be heading back to the barter system. Maybe you can trade your house for another one. Or for three magic beans AND a cow.

Q: We've been trying to buy a house, and the prices are just wonderful, but now the bank says we can't have a loan. What should we do?

A: If you promise to vote for him, John McCain might let you live in one of his homes.

Q: For years, my son has been hounding me to take my money out of a savings account and put it into the stock market for long-term growth. Well, I finally listened to him and put my retirement savings into Washington Mutual stock. What should I do now?

A: You were going to get bored with retired life, anyway. What better way to spend your golden years than salting fries at McDonald's?

Q: I've got a $37,412.38 balance on my Visa card, and I've been making the minimum payment of $11 each month. If my bank goes bankrupt, does that mean I'm off the hook? I just wanna know before I buy a boat with my Discover Card.

A: Someone -- possibly a bounty hunter -- will still demand payment. But you're never going to pay that debt off anyway, so go invigorate the economy by buying that boat.

Q: At what point does it make financial sense to burn money for heat?

A: If the price of heating fuel goes up another 64 cents per gallon, it will actually make financial sense to burn stacks of one-dollar bills to heat your home. Please do not burn tens and twenties.

Q: President Mbuti of Nigeria says he needs to transfer $700 billion to my personal bank account, just for a few hours, and he'll pay me five percent of that for my trouble. Should I give him my account information?

A: President Mbuti is an honorable man. But just to be safe, give me the account information, and I'll forward it to him.

Q: I have a son and a daughter who I love dearly, but I'd like to sell one of them to make some quick capital and defray future costs. Which one should I get rid of?

A: It's really a personal decision. If your son is sturdily built, you may want to keep him to work in the fields when we enter the new upcoming stone age. If your daughter has strong teeth and delicate features, you may want to keep her so she can be married into a wealthy family and bring back a large dowry.

Q: Hey, can you loan me a few bucks? I'm a little bit short.

A: Sorry, man, I haven't even seen any money from this question-answering gig.

You guys are going to pay me, right? Right?

ouellette1918@gmail.com