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June 20, 2009

Speaking for all those modest, self-effacing and sensible dads …

STEVE OUELLETTE, You Had To Ask

Honestly, as a group, we fathers are pretty easy to please.

I know this is our day, but we don't want much. Don't go to any trouble. Don't go to any great expense.

Really, just let us sleep late, dress sloppy, spend the afternoon lying in a hammock listening to the baseball game with a cold beverage or two. No fuss. Perfect.

We don't need some kind of grand breakfast in bed. I mean, of course, we need breakfast of some sort. Most important meal of the day and all. But how about just some toast? Something not easily spilled when you serve it to us in bed. Or if it's not too much trouble, maybe a donut, just a plain donut and some orange juice. Fresh squeezed would be great. If you don't mind, strain out the pulp?

Though maybe we've got too many donuts around the belly already. Maybe just an egg? Poached? If it's not too much trouble. Along with the toast of course ... French toast would actually be great. Don't forget the maple syrup. The real maple syrup; you know how we like that.

Anyway, skip the card — have you seen what they charge for a simple greeting card these days? — and please, don't bother with a gift. We know if you don't get the woman who birthed you something on Mother's Day, you're in for at least three months of heavy sighs, dirty looks and unexplained door slamming. We, however, are men and have no need for sentimental trinkets.

We don't need another tie. The slippers we have already are just fine. And while we love the "World's Greatest Dad" T-shirt and mug from previous years, we really won't have much use for the same slogan on a pair of leg warmers or a sun hat.

We guess, if you absolutely have to get something, we could use a socket wrench to replace that one we lost ... even one you picked up at a yard sale would be fine. Perhaps a gift card, you know, to the hardware store, for that wrench and maybe something we needed to get anyway? Oh, we saw a really awesome lawn tractor at the store the other day; we wouldn't ever complain about mowing the lawn if we had that baby. No sir. I'm just saying ...

So, um, no present would be fine, and we'll just spend the afternoon with the ball game. Of course, the radio reception isn't great in the backyard, so maybe we'll have to watch it on TV.

Sure would be great if we had another TV we could see from the hammock ... maybe a little black-and-white, you know, for the porch? Or a tiny flat screen, if they don't make the black-and-whites anymore, because of the whole digital switchover thingee.

And if someone could just fan us gently with some palm leaves — and maybe provide a light foot massage — man, that would be heaven.

Of course, a real baseball game is always nice. I think the minor league Vermont Expos just started their season. Are they at home? Short trip over the lake, low ticket prices, fun for the whole family. Kick our feet up with a cold beverage and watch some baseball and a wacky costumed mascot? Perfect.

You know, if it's not too, too much trouble, I haven't been to Fenway Park in a while. Only about a six-hour drive; we could stay overnight with some friends in Boston. Game's probably sold out, but what's a few extra dollars for scalped tickets on a special day?

Of course, as long as we're in the park, it would be a really special treat to get those seats on top of the Green Monster in left field. I know, probably out of our budget range, but, you know, if you and the kids could make a couple of sacrifices ... maybe patch those clothes, hold off on the new shoes, eat macaroni and cheese four nights a week ...

Anyway, it doesn't matter. We dads don't need much. Nothing, really. Don't give us a second thought.

E-mail Steve Ouellette at: ouellette1918@gmail.com

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Cornell Cooperative Extension

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Health Advice

Ray Johnson: Climate Science

Gordie Little: Small Talk

Terry Mattingly: On Religion

Steve Ouellette: You Had To Ask

Colin Read: Everybody's Business

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