By STEVE OUELLETTE, You Had to Ask
Shhhhh. Don't wake the wife. It's Sunday and she's sleeping a little late — deservedly so.
Take a deep breath. Let it out. Try to remain calm. Now "¦ You forgot today was Valentine's Day, didn't you?
Don't scream! That will just wake her, and you'll have to face the pain sooner.
I know, I know, your mind is racing in a million different directions at once. That's the adrenaline of desperation. It's exhilarating — in sort of a twisted way.
You've already got the newspaper, now grab a cup of coffee and sit down. Try to think about this rationally; do not do anything rash. Remember, other poor saps have also forgotten — no, not me, I'm fine. I'm not an idiot. But there are other idiots out there just like you.
To be honest, I don't know what you can do. I do, however, know what you can't do.
Don't try to call for a reservation to a fancy restaurant. All the reservations are taken by people who thought ahead. Saying "Let's go to Subway for a meatball sub — with extra sauce to signify my love," isn't going to cut it either.
Do not put on that novelty thong and try to romance your way out of this. She's not going to fall for it, and the next thing you know, out comes the camera phone and something none of us wants to see is on the Internet.
Don't bother trying to get flowers delivered. You're never going to get a florist on the phone today. They're all over the state delivering flowers non-stop to the wives of men who aren't morons.
You think you can slip out and get some chocolates? I stopped at the pharmacy the other day, and get this: The shelves full of Valentine's candy have already been replaced with shelves full of Easter candy. What's up with that?
I'm sure there's still some suitable candy out there, but you face a couple of obstacles.
One: "Chocolate? Do you want to see me get fat?"
Two, if you leave the house this morning without her, she's going to know why. It doesn't matter what your excuse is — and frankly, you've already used all your good ones — she's going to know.
Don't think that you can get away with a "special breakfast" either. One that you whip up in the next 10 minutes from whatever ingredients you can find in the kitchen. Trust me, your just-add-water pancakes with bacon bits and turkey gravy are going to give her heartburn, not win her heart.
I'm not going to sugarcoat this. Forgetting Valentine's Day is a serious offense. Women will tell you that this is a day for both of you, but we know that it's not. How many men are being wooed with flowers and jewelry today? There's a different standard today, and that's fine — our wives have put up with us for a whole year, and it hasn't been easy. All that scratching and spitting and burping and sports. They deserve to be treated as something special this one day.
Letting the occasion slip your mind — despite the advertising, hype and not-so-subtle reminders from your significant other — will not be forgiven just because you, say, throw together a play list of romantic songs on her iPod, or you promise to give her a massage after the kids go to bed. Not even close.
I know. I'm not being very helpful or optimistic.
I suppose you could pretend to be sick. Not flu symptoms sick, but death's door sick. Projective vomiting and a fake emergency room visit might be called for.
Maybe you can act as if you thought today was the 13th and Monday is the 14th. Hide all the calendars and try to make it the performance of your life. Claim to have reservations at the fanciest restaurant in town (don't worry, no one is booked on a weekday after Valentine's Day). I don't think it will work, but you could try.
Maybe she'll fall for the old "I have to go and pick up the expensive piece of jewelry that I specially ordered, which was delayed, er, in the shipping process but now has arrived from, uh, a sophisticated European country," and then you can run out, hope to find a jewelry store that's open Sunday morning and — with your vast appreciation for fine jewels — pick out something nice that doesn't cost more than your car. Good luck with that.
I think she's waking up now. Sorry. Don't worry too much about what can't be undone. On the bright side, think of all the broken-hearted women who will be newly available Monday. That's something, right?
E-mail Steve Ouellette at: ouellette1918@gmail.com
