By STEVE OUELLETTE, You Had to Ask
Staff Writer
"Saturday Night Live" wants to pick on Plattsburgh in front of a national audience? It wants to call us a hellhole populated by freaks and rock eaters?
I don't know what to say. If you cut us, do we not bleed? If you stone us, do we not "¦ pick up the stone and eat it?
Et tu, "Saturday Night Live?"
Many people here are up in arms over a brief, derogatory mention on a Feb. 27 skit. It's frustrating that the only time the North Country ever gets mentioned on national television — other than during the Winter Olympics (Woo hoo! Bill Demong!) — is by being mocked on SNL or having a "Law & Order" prisoner sent to Dannemora.
Peekskill, of course, was fair game. But did you have to use Plattsburgh? I know you wanted an obscure location unknown to most of the viewing public. Ogdensburg would be inherently more funny. Massena? Cheektowaga? That's a funny word.
Of course, we're probably asking too much of you, "Saturday Night Live," to recognize funny when you see it.
You used to be a great show. You used to be edgy and funny. You were must-see TV. Unfortunately, that was quite some time ago — before high-speed Internet, microwave ovens and the birth of a large percentage of your supposed target audience. Once you were culturally important; now you're "¦ this.
Your skits go on far, far too long, repeating the same joke over and over. Then your skits are repeated week after week. We know filler when we see it.
Your skits are tasteless, since you can't think of anything clever. The joke in question came while you were MAKING FUN OF A BLIND MAN, you know, because of the fact that he can't see. Now, of course, mocking the disabled can be funny the first two or three times. But SNL has used the David Paterson thing over and over, week after week.
Your cast is virtually anonymous. I still don't recognize the names of 80 percent of the people in the opening credits — on the rare occasion that I get all the way through the opening credits. There's not a breakout star in the bunch.
Everyone funny has already fled the show for better things — like, say, mouthwash commercials. Everyone except Kristen Wiig, who has that look in her eyes — that crazy John-Belushi-I've-got-to-get-out-of-here look.
I'm just saying, SNL, you'd better check her contract very closely.
Your desperate attempts to turn lame skits into feature-length films has further cast shame on you. It's been 18 years since "Wayne's World," a lifetime since "The Blues Brothers." Now you are bringing us "MacGruber"? "MacGruber"???!!!! That was funny once, for about 45 seconds. Then — and stop me if you've heard this before — you repeated the same joke, over and over again.
You used to be wild and crazy and topical. Now you are dull and predictable and "¦ was that a Lawrence Welk skit? Really?
No human being watches the final half hour of your show. That's right, the final 30 minutes draw a 0.0 rating, far below the ShamWow infomercial.
It's the wasteland of not only network television, but of any audio-visual format.
Sometimes I will record your show because there's an interesting host — and then I can fast forward through the dull or unfunny parts. I get the opening monologue, I chuckle at Seth Meyers on Weekend Update, and then that's it. Eight minutes of viewing.
The only decent ratings you've had in the past decade came when you begged a former cast member to return because she bore a startling resemblance to Sarah Palin. And even then, the real Sarah Palin came up with funnier lines than your writers.
By the way, you may have noticed that Sarah Palin is trying to break into TV now. I can see that Hail Mary pass rolling around in Lorne Michaels' head this very second.
Listen SNL. Plattsburgh is a good place with fine people, and it can take a joke — when it's delivered by someone funny.
To set the record straight, we don't have any Shoney's here. I wish to God we did. And while I have, in fact, seen several people with broken or missing teeth, very few of these cases are due to people eating rocks. It's got something to do with Michigan sauce dissolving tooth enamel.
I was going to say that you lost some viewers with last week's slam, but to be honest, we weren't watching to begin with. We had to hear about it from a few friends in Vermont, who were too lazy to change the channel after the evening news. That's your core audience now, SNL. Congratulations.
E-mail Steve Ouellette at: ouellette1918@gmail.com
