Recently, a local postal carrier was arrested for allegedly stealing the gift cards, packages and Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes entries he was supposed to deliver.

Now, I do not mean to besmirch the good name of the Postal Service or its hard-working employees. U.S. mail service is extremely efficient and is an undeniable bargain at its price. The vast majority of postal employees are honest and dependable. Yes, they might send your package back if there is 2-cents postage due, but hardly any of them would just take the package and call it their own.

My neighborhood was one of those patrolled by the wayward mailman, but I don't write this because I feel violated — though I do feel violated. Going through my mail is as personal as going through my thong drawer.

I'm addressing this rather heinous act because, well, I want everyone to know that the stuff they sent me never got here. If you don't mind, I'd like it now.

There's little chance that the alleged thief will make full restitution, and I can't expect our cash-strapped government to shoulder the financial burden. So if you all don't mind just sending everything again, that would be great.

I can't tell the police everything I'm missing because I'm simply not sure. Yeah, I think I received everything that I personally ordered, but …You know that gift card that you sent me? The $500 certificate to Bed, Bath & Beyond you ordered: A) to thank me for that life-saving Heimlich maneuver; B) because you love me, you really love me; C) because you know how much I love good linen? Never got here. I'm still sleeping on non-Egyptian cotton sheets. Eesh.

The gifts that you sent for my birthday? I was thinking everyone just forgot or didn't get the address change when we moved a couple of years ago. Maybe you all thought I didn't want to be reminded of my advancing age or that I was too old for gifts? Now I see the problem — feel free to re-send your gifts. Just don't put them in festive packaging that might tempt someone into stealing them this time. Thanks.

It seemed like all my friends and relatives had ignored the Segway personal transportation device — made famous in the Oscar-nominated film "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" — that was at the top of my Amazon.com wish list. Now I see that the wayward postal employee was simply able to discern the contents of the Segway-shaped box and kept it for himself. No, guys, I haven't been walking by choice. Please call the manufacturer and your credit card provider and see if they'll send another one. Awesome.

I don't know why anyone would steal Christmas cards — maybe he thought there was cash inside? — but hardly anyone sent me warm holiday greetings last year. So sorry that I held that against you, Dad. We can make up now.

Similarly, there are probably many, many things that I sent that never arrived over the past couple of years, since I've lived in that carrier's territory. Just as easy, maybe easier, to steal things before they've been postmarked, you know.

Sorry mom. See, I didn't really forget Mother's Day and your birthday and Valentine's Day and Christmas. I should really learn not to mark my envelopes with "Caution: Extremely Valuable Contents Enclosed."

I sent out $100 gift cards (to Applebee's and Fireworks Warehouse) and cases of Sam Adams beer to, uh, all my friends and relatives — and their children — on their birthdays last year. Seriously? You didn't get them? None of you?

Now I understand why the mortgage company is threatening foreclosure and the IRS is demanding an audit. I really have no idea why someone would steal my tax return — it's clearly marked — but this has all just been a silly misunderstanding.

Again, I don't blame the post office for all my woes. It's just one man's alleged improprieties. But now that you know about it, you can all help me fix the damage. If you want to use FedEx this time, that would be fine.

E-mail Steve Ouellette at:

ouellette1918@gmail.com