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January 30, 2010

Watch for the next amazing high-tech device

By STEVE OUELLETTE, You Had to Ask

Greetings. I'm Cortland Redd, spokesman for the Apple corporation.

As I am sure you know, we rolled out the iPad this week, a device that will change all life on the planet as we know it.

Those of you who have already fought your way to the front of the incredibly long lines to purchase one of our revolutionary devices know that the iPad will allow you to watch movies, read books, listen to music and order pizzas from anywhere in the world with just the touch of a finger.

It's, it's ... it's like an iPod but better! It's like a computer, but smaller! Even when it's powered down, you can use it in the shower as a mirror to shave by or in the oven as a fully-functional pizza stone or in the family room as a portable air-hockey table. You need one. You must have one.

We realize, however, that there are some few of you who are still not satisfied. Those who want more than even the amazing iPad can give. For you, we are already taking pre-orders for the next evolution of high-tech device that no one can possibly do without. And no, I'm not setting up a maxiPad joke.

Tentatively, we're calling it the iKitchenSink, and it will retail for slightly more than a new Cadillac Escalade — but it will be worth it, because we promise it will do more than any other handheld electronic device ever created.

It will have all the functions of an iPhone, an iPod and, yes, an iPad, plus ...

The iKitchenSink will act as an instant universal translator, turning your words into the language of the being you're speaking to — encompassing 4,114 different dialects, 352 common animal sounds and 37 alien languages.

It will attach to your face with powerful suction cups and act as a Halloween mask of any celebrity face or fictional creature ever born or imagined.

It will be able to brush and floss your teeth using the latest sonic technology.

It can take your dog for a walk on a cold morning. We're still working on the pooper-scooper attachment, but that should be more or less fully functional by the time we roll it out.

It can prepare your meals for you. Choose from 4.3 billion different recipes and the iKitchenSink will shop for the ingredients, preheat your oven, slice and dice your vegetables (it comes with eight whirring, razor-sharp Ginsu blades!) and suggest a compatible wine.

It can valet-park your car without asking for a tip. It will also buff out any dents or scratches obtained when the iKitchenSink takes your car for a secret joy ride.

It can baby-sit your children. Set it in the optional corporal-punishment mode and it will also deliver a mild electric shock if your child refuses to say his prayers before going to bed.

It can break up with your girlfriend for you — then automatically search within a 50-mile radius for the best deal on a bouquet of flowers that comes with a card saying "It's not you, it's me."

It can cure cancer, but only if you download our competitively priced "Eternal Life" app from the app store.

It can act as a complete home-defense system. Simply set it in "Home Alone" mode and the iKitchenSink will employ every method used effectively in the movie of the same name by the diabolical Macaulay Culkin, including a high-pitched girlish scream to alert authorities.

If you have a hangover — the iKitchenSink monitors blood-alcohol level and all vital signs — the device will automatically phone your work and make a plausible excuse for you.

If you need to get through airport security quicker, the device will send out a low-level radio signal that identifies you as an air marshal, a Saudi prince, a country music star or an NFL quarterback, and you will immediately be ushered into first class.

With all these functions — and more! — you might worry about battery life. Don't. The iKitchenSink has a battery half-life of 2,700 years, thanks to its portable nuclear generator, which doubles as a wireless hot spot. Simply refresh the uranium every three years and you'll be fine.

Don't worry; the device also acts as a Geiger counter.

E-mail Steve Ouellette at: ouellette1918@gmail.com

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Peter Black: Canadian Dispatch

Lois Clermont, Editor

Cornell Cooperative Extension

Richard Gast: Cornell Ag Extension

Bob Grady

Guest Columns

Peter Hagar: Cornell Ag Connection

Health Advice

Ray Johnson: Climate Science

Gordie Little: Small Talk

Terry Mattingly: On Religion

Steve Ouellette: You Had To Ask

Colin Read: Everybody's Business

Senior Thoughts